I was by myself tonight. After days of full-time duty with the kids, Mandy got out tonight, and I put both both kids to bed. Elliot was first, and as is way, he wanted mommy up to the point I laid in bed with him. He was out in minutes. I’d hoped Noah was putting himself to sleep. It happens about 80% of the time when we start with E.
I stepped out of Elliot’s room, walking softly and listening for any sound from Noah’s room. Unlike other nights, I thought I heard a weird sound. I couldn’t initially tell if it was real or not, and if it was, whether it was coming from E’s room or Noah’s. I finally went into Noah’s room and found him crying in his bed. I was confused, because he was just fine when we were reading stories a few minutes before. I asked what was wrong.
"I don't want to turn 5 tomorrow, I'm scared of going to heaven."
“You’re not going to heaven for a long, long time. There’s nothing to be afraid of in turning 5.”
“If I go to heaven, I’m afraid I’ll be lonely.”
“If you ever go to heaven, you’ll be there with lots of friends.”
“But you and mom won’t be there.”
“We will be there. But you’re only turning 5. If you go to heaven, you’ll probably be 100. It won’t happen for a long, long time.”
It was heartbreaking. He was afraid of getting older for some reason, most likely because he though he closer to dying and going to heaven. I wondered again why he was thinking about it like that. After more discussions about how fun it was to turn 5, and how fun it was to get older, he finally told me he was excited about his birthday tomorrow, but I could tell he was just saying it for my benefit, and was still thinking about heaven.
He eventually fell asleep, and as I looked at that innocent face, I was surprised again that he’d been thinking about something that I had no idea about, and it made me think again about my ability, or lack thereof, to shield him from fear and worry.
I love this kid. And as hard as I try, he’ll never know how much.
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